|(Read Part 1 here)
Tears flowed freely as I drove home and continued into the night. My heart was broken. The next morning I called my old job. They hadn’t even posted the position and I was trying to help them get by until they figured it out. They were grateful I could just keep things running and said they would get back to me about my job. They didn’t want everyone to think they could just quit and then expect to come back.
I forced myself to get through each day and then would cry myself to sleep each night and wake up with a deep emptiness. Each night I would pray I wouldn’t have to face another day. It wasn’t really that I wanted to die, but I wanted to return home to my father in heaven. I could just imagine myself like a small child in his arms being comforted, free from this horrible pain of despair. I was lost.
I had no hope left in me until my sweet 10 year old son came to comfort me one night when he heard me crying. He reminded me of a story we had recently heard about a currant bush. (click here to see it). The story is about a currant bush that is cut back so it can produce fruit. It was compared to a story of a man who was angry with God when he didn’t get the promotion he wanted, but realized it was for his good and eventually became grateful that God would cut him back——love him enough to hurt him. Anyway, my son said that maybe God was cutting me back, because he had something greater in mind for me.
I still struggled through each day, but I held onto this thought that maybe God had something greater in store for me. I searched for what it may be everywhere I went and everyone I talked to.
I had continued working my old job. They finally let me know I could keep my job, but they were cutting my hours and taking away my health insurance. I couldn’t even be angry. I was broken. Our situation just kept getting worse and I had nothing left to give. No fight left in me. The last three years had broken me (I’ll share more later). Everyone was certain I would quit and find another job. I didn’t have it in me to apply for jobs. I stayed. Feeling as if I was dying a little more each day. It shouldn’t be a surprise that I wasn’t feeling well and I was exhausted. All this stress could do it to anyone, but mine wasn’t just because of the stress. We soon found out that I was pregnant and now out of insurance.
I applied for Medicaid for me and the children. We qualified. I felt worse and worse. I could no longer work multiple jobs, my body could no longer handle the 60-70 hours a week. I cut back my hours and prayed we would be able to make it. I continued to look for why God had cut me down. What was this great thing he had planned for me?
The Conclusion of this Story Coming Soon…